You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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