my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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