How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
