he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
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listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
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I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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