So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
