i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
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Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
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Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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