I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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