When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
