Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
