Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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