he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
