I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
