Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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