I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
