this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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