You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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