i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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