Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
There's always time for handjobs
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
