The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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