Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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