Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
