dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
