masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
