I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
