I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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