my phone needs a breathalizer
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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