so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
