I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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