Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Randomize
