I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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