forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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