He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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