Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Randomize
