I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
