dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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