You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
