And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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