I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
