I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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