Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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