She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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