Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
