Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
