Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
