dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
