Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
