Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
