You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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