Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
