i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
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A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
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Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.