I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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