you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat