i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.