so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
