why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I came so hard my ears popped.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
