if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
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I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
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Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize