I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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